Jenny Kuderer

Shared Dreams

 

Your heart has hung up a "Permanently Out of Service"

Sign, positioned against the left ventricle, prominently

Displayed, a clear signal to me that you haven't been 

Counting the 36 days since last our hands touched,

Since the last time you whispered that the only fear

You could think of was me no longer holding you near.

You could have installed a "Shut Down for Repairs" or

"Out to Lunch" or "Opening in Spring" placard for me

To see, to absorb the lesson therein that you wished

For a revitalizing reprieve after which our souls would

Join again and Aristotle himself would be hotly jealous of 

The Nicomachean ethic imbued within our friendship's scenes,

Esteem so lovely and piercing, its radiance like the beam from

The last blazing star the universe has to display as we luxuriate

In the celestial ray that holds our cozy souls fastened as one

Where full-strength empathic understanding is the sole song sung.

But those sweet wishes of my naivete would never take shape off 

Your newly jaded tongue as the ocean's tide you chose to wash away

All traces of affection for me, your lingering memory in my deep heart 

There to stay, no sullied salt water enough to ever make it run or fade.

No, my mind still teems with the former version of you who vowed

To never try the lock to be free of the bond that formed between two 

Strangers' hands as we marched forth with our brightly colored baggage 

Strained at the seams, filled with the common treasure of shared dreams.

 

Losing

​

I ache for loss to be like a brief flash,

A single sparkler lighting up a late,

Balmy July evening, little specks

Of fire blazing wildly for only a minute

Against a canvas of black holding a 

Collection of stars that add their own 

Glimmer.  Why can't the sting of it be

Like stubbing your toe on the radiator

Or cutting your pinky with a single sheet 

Of heavyweight paper, a shallow assault 

On the body that heals with efficiency, 

Leaves no lasting scars, no mark to say

That corporeality has been less than whole?

Why can't its weight upon the chest be like

The feather from a bird that lost one as it

Flew to ever greater elevation, trying to find

The limits to its joy and ease in the soft breeze?

I've lost expensive pens and worn shoes and 

Silver earrings and floral silk scarves and

Crisp twenty dollar bills and first memories

From when I was just three and had only

Started to be alive and growing and free.

I've misspent minutes and hours and days,

Lost in a haze of ingratitude and fear until

The dazzling wonder of the sphere of a sun 

On the far-off horizon appeared as my heart 

Began to imbibe to a tasty tonic of good cheer.

I've made my progress on the trail of character

As countless thoughts and feelings and objects

Slipped beyond my grasp, an impetus for me to

Learn fast just how essential is the art of letting go.

But you, my dear, are a loss my soul can't seem to

Comprehend, can't transcend, rise above and find

A sense of Zen as I stare out into the field of wild

Petunias where we used to amble, never thinking

Our life together was something like a gamble that

Could be loss to the hungry pockets of the house 

That always wins as the desperate wagerers find

Their stomachs and their pockets growing thin.

I can't find the silver lining; there's no way to spin

The fleeing of love from the warm embrace where

Chin to chin we spoke our fidelity and your kiss marked

My lips so indelibly.  I can't help but hear the melody

Of your bass voice in the air as I realize that you aren't

There, a forever loss that the contents of my soul shall

Need to find a steady way to less-than-gracefully bear.